The Reality of Depression During Lockdown And One Important Breakthrough Moment
This month, as part of the Chronic Voice Linkup, I’m sharing the reality of coping with the demands of depression during lockdown.
I’m so excited to have stumbled upon The Chronic Voice blog, which is a health, wellness and chronic illness blog that aims to articulate lifelong illness from various perspectives.
This is my very first introduction to the concept of linkups and I’m a little nervous, hugely curious, and totally inspired to connect with this month’s prompts — they are Bothering, Demanding, Nourishing, Telecommunicating, and Tolerating.
Reflecting on these prompts made me realize we are all adjusting to the intense, powerful energy of the Covid-19 crisis. Ironically prior to lock-down, with the long winter days now behind me, I felt hopeful. I had taken the first steps to combat the urge to self-isolate. My mental health was starting to improve.
Bothering to make an effort in lockdown
But then Covid-19 hit and hopeful feelings dissolved into dread.
No more sitting in my local cafe, people-watching while sipping a barista-made coffee.
Shock set in. There were and still are so many unknowns about this deadly virus. I could literally feel myself collapsing into a familiar coping mechanism. The collective anxiety around Covid-19 escalated triggering the internal drive to self-isolate.
Simple self-care tasks like showering and washing my hair felt completely overwhelming
The slowing of my motor-processing skills was palpable. Bothering to make an effort was no longer a priority — which brings us to the next prompt.
the Demanding aspects of depression intensify in lockdown
The demanding aspects of depression intensify in lock-down. I notice when I am triggered and how this pushes my whole body into a state of hyper-vigilance. Managing depression demands a lot of time, energy, effort, and attention. While ongoing pressure and uncertainty around Covid-19 worsen the situation. Latent anxieties are triggered. Motivation is almost non-existent.
During the coronavirus outbreak, the necessity to self-isolate dramatically changed the way we live. All of us have been affected by a sense of enormous loss on many levels. Adjusting to the loss of not being able to control aspects of our lives we normally take for granted, is compounded by the volatile nature and spread of this pandemic.
The shock of what we are dealing with is a stark reminder of the frightening lack of control we have in the grand scheme of things. One of the most helpful things I discovered while in lock-down is the power of opening up a dialogue around the things we could and could not control.
acceptance is deeply Nourishing
One of the most positive, powerful life-lessons to come out of lockdown is the power of practicing acceptance.
Experiencing lockdown in a tiny living space with my husband and grown-up son pushed us all to our limits.
Being in lockdown revealed a latent pattern of avoiding my emotions in order to maintain peace. All the while an internal war was raging. All it took was a tiny trigger and BOOM! the lid was lifted on all those suppressed emotions.
Opening up a conversation around how we were all feeling, created a space for us to bring our emotional experience into a place of acceptance.
As we discussed how we actually felt all the little knots of expectation started to loosen. Accepting the fact quarantine didn’t have a foreseeable timeline was a breakthrough moment. Up until that point, a lot of energy was expended trying to keep a lid on grief, anger, and uncertainty bubbling beneath the surface. Now we felt a sense of connection through our shared pain.
is telecommuting the new normal?
I wonder, is telecommuting the new normal? There is something liberating about being able to connect, work, share, and see each other remotely.
I live on a narrowboat and with no fixed abode, it’s difficult to make physical connections. The accessibility and ease of connecting remotely is a useful, time-saving way to build relationships, access healthcare, and get things done.
tolerating lockdown on our houseboat
It felt intolerable at times, aboard our narrowboat home. Our living space is like it says on the tin, narrow. Compounding matters, the Canal and River Trust told us to stay moored until further notice. We are used to moving every two weeks, so by the end of six weeks, we all felt understandably antsy.
I believe we all have our own tolerance threshold. There’s only so much our nervous system can deal with and I believe the pressures of lockdown significantly affect our ability to cope with the demands of self-isolating.
I’m immensely grateful for the love and kindness of my family during this difficult time. Hopefully, we can all look back and see how resilient we are.
It’s amazing how this month’s prompts have brought us full circle.
Chronic illness pushes the limits of what you think you can endure, but it also can reunite you with the invisible, untapped power of your heart.
Always remember: chronic illness does not define you. You are stronger than you think you are and every step you take in this journey reflects your true strength.
Thank you for reading, hope there is something here that might be helpful. If you liked this article, be sure to check out other bloggers in this linkup. I can’t wait to read their articles!
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And now it’s over to you dear reader, what are your thoughts on this “new normal” we are all facing?
Thank you so much for commenting on my link up post recently as that led me to your fab blog. I’ve started following you on Insta too (I can’t find a Twitter account on your site so I assume you’re not on there?) .
I just wanted to say I loved this post, I think you’ve covered the prompts in an incredibly poignant way. “But then Covid-19 hit and hopeful feelings dissolved into dread” – you said that very well. I also have found those ‘latent’ feelings bubbling to the surface with the situation. It’s like a pressure cooker and I’m sure you’ve felt similar being at home with you hubby & son, not able to go out or do the things you’d normally do to keep those feelings locked up and managed. I think we do have that threshold you talked about. We can only deal with so much. I also think this time will show you, me, and all of us just how resilient we can be.
Very well said post. Take good care of yourself, physically & mentally. You’ve got this. ♥
Caz xx
Awe hugs Caz, thank you! I’m really glad I stumbled upon the Chronic Voice LinkUp. Thank you so much for your kind words, I really enjoyed reading your post too 😉 It’s so refreshing to be able to open up a dialogue around the impact this pandemic is having. It is far-reaching and like you say, time will show you, me, and all of us just how resilient we are. Stay safe lovely, keep making us smile ♥ Kimberlee xx
Thank you for sharing the truth about depression. My husband has the condition but refuses to seek professional help. His response to the pandemic has been to work 100+ hours per week through choice in his key-worker role. That left me home alone with 2 children and a dog for 3 months. Fortunately we live in a house with a large garden, so at least we have space! My sister and brother-in-law live on a narrowboat and were told to stay moored at the marina they had planned to spend only a few weeks on. I think they have settled in now…
Catherine, I’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough time right now. Depression totally puts the blinkers on and can end up becoming a destructive force in a relationship. I can’t imagine how overwhelming it must feel to be carrying the burden, while also trying to hold the family together.
It takes immense courage to admit and seek help for depression. It is possible your husband is completely unaware his extreme response is causing you to feel hurt and alone. In his mind, he is likely just trying to protect you from the reality of this illness – and is turning to work as a coping mechanism. He might also be experiencing fear and apprehension around admitting he has depression because doing so, could ultimately affect his ability to function and provide for the family.
I’m glad you reached out in the comments, please take care of yourself and know that it is okay to reach out for help. ♥ Kimberlee xx
Hi Kimberlee, it’s nice to find your blog, I haven’t been in this linkup long myself and I’m finding it a great way to connect with others with chronic illness, I love the sound of living on a narrowboat! This lockdown is surely difficult though but I do hope you can get back moving around again soon Take care x
Hi Sarah! I’m so glad you stopped by, it’s lovely to connect with you through this linkup. It’s wonderful being able to connect through our blogs, especially during this difficult time. Stay safe and take good care of yourself ♥ Kimberlee xx
Hi Kimberlee, it’s such a pleasure finding you and your beautiful, stylish blog through this month’s link-up party. Well done on writing such a beautiful and poignant post on depression during the current pandemic. It was a brilliant and thought-provoking read. I agree it has been hard bothering to make any effort during the lockdown, the whole situation hasn’t really given anyone any incentive, has it? Will sure to follow you on your social media pages!
Hi Rhiann, wow, thank you for your kind words! I’m really glad to be part of The Chronic Voice Link-up, because it meant discovering you and your blog. You write so beautifully and poignantly about living with chronic illness I feel like I’ve got so much to learn when it comes to social media, but I’ll look out for you xx
Welcome to the chronic voice linkups ! so great to see another newbie 🙂
And for me personally, another Narrowboater! It’s just me and my partner on our boat and that’s plenty so can’t imagine what having another stilt around would be like…I hope that easing of lockdown means you’ve had a bit more space.
Hope to see you here next month 🙂
Oh Hey Naomi, nice to meet you – and lovely to connect with another live-aboard (maybe our watery paths will cross one day). My son is back at uni, so we’re all good with space now. By the way, I just found you on Etsy, love your walking sticks and your post on starting a biz during lock-down. Wishing you well with it all xx